Blogger’s secret guide to Sydney beaches

If you’re planning on coming to Australia – you MUST come to a Sydney beach. But don;t go to JUST any one. There are lots of great beaches – but there is also a “code of conduct” at most that not everyone will tell you about. Here’s your secret blogger’s guide!

Where ta go:

Bondi:      

If you can afford to pay for parking by the half-hour, then you can probably also afford the seven-dollar lattes. Good place for celebrity spotting, just make sure you have this season’s swimsuit on.

Manly:  

If you don’t get booked for speeding on the Spit Bridge (why do they put the cameras on the downside of a hill?) Hire some blades and see how many pommies you can run in to.

Tamarama:        

Not a good place to go topless. The whole beach is surrounded by high walls that are surrounded by young men. Maybe that’s what you’re after.

Chinaman’s Beach:

Weeping willows and kids with cricket bats. Keep your eye on the wicket or you may just lose your Jatz. Good beach for those of us afraid of waves… this water is as flat as Calista’s chest in series six.

Newport:

There’s nothing new at this beach. Good source of surfie-spotting, cos this is where the good nosh is. Greasy fish burgers, milk-bars with a queue five-deep and even the odd Indian shop… just don’t order the dahl, it’s very sus.

Bilgola:

The locals tell me it’s sometimes called Billy-gola… I think cos it’s surrounded by hills, which presumably once housed billy-goats. Maybe. Set up a beach tent on the west end for the most fun and seduce someone attainable.

What ta Bring:

Reef Oil:

No SPF factor here. Get the variety that’s designed to make you sizzle. Try not to think of future skin problems, and drizzle yourself like you’re a boconccini salad.

Slouch Hat:            

This way everyone will still know that you’re a fashion victim, even when you’re half-naked. Some even have zips and pockets for godknowswhat.

Sarong/ Boardies:  

For the more well-rounded guys and gals. Remember, a lot of fabric can save the most gym-challenged person from a Summer of Discontent.

Mobile Fone:

Yes, even the beach is no excuse not to be contact-able. Make sure that you have a least one loud conversation to let the whole beach know your plans for Saturday night. NB: This is an esp. important item to remember while on Bondi Beach.

Bottle of water:  

Two reasons to remember this: if you’re at a city beach, there’ll be queues for the bubbler and bottles of spring water will cost you nearly four bucks. If you’re at a quiet, northern beach, you will find yourself trekking kilometers to quench your thirst. (See Outcomes: burnt soles.)

At least one mate:    

We don’t want you sitting alone on the sand like a loser now, do we? Essential beach equipment includes companions, preferably the type that are gorgeous but attached, so that they help you pull but don’t provide unnecessary competition.

Possible Outcomes:

Sun burnt Soles:

Most Aussies know the pain of that naïve declaration: “I don’t need to bring my thongs, we’re just getting an iceblock form the corner store.” Particularly relevant the further north you travel, where there can be bigger patches of Bitumen between those cool carpets of grass.

Lost & Found Keys:

Sand can be a powerful player in the game of hide-and-seek. Most surfers have the sense to leave their keys under the front wheel, so if you see a Kombi you take a fancy too, check there first and you may score yourself some free wheels.

Potential dates:

Well, you never know your luck in the big city. Let’s face it, where there’s naked flesh, heat and reef oil, there’s bound to be chances to score. Just don’t try to strike up a conversation with any chick sun baking topless. While it may seem like a rewarding avenue, the etiquette police advise against attempting verbal exchanges with half-naked individuals.

Tan Lines:

If you’re pedantic, there won’t be any to mar the look of that new sun dress or Ben Sherman shirt, but if you’re like most of us, you’ll end up with a bright-pink schnoz and moon-tanned bum.

Sand in the car:

No matter how much you insist that all your friends wipe, wash and dry themselves before entering your pride and joy, you’ll find yourself with sandy reservoirs in all those little crevices that the car manufacturers put there, just for the purpose of collecting dust, dirt and sand. They’ll be there until you sell.