Does talking to plants make them grow faster?

I have two plants. They even have names: “Planty” and “Tiny”. I found them both on the street, having been discarded by their past owners. Planty was in the communal rubbish area of my apartment building. She had a note pinned to her that said: Lovely plant needing a good home: water well once a week. At the time I was in a very bad relationship and having this living being in my apartment made me feel good.

Tiny was also found on the street. Now they sit side by side in my living room, making me feel loved and awesome. Of course the plants do not really love me. They cannot. They are living creatures but have limited consciousness, so are unable to plan, to think, to recognise themselves and to pray – but they can grow.

They are still significant, living things that have an important place in this world.

Talking to plants

I don’t know if The Boyf has realised it yet but I talk to the plants. I used to tell them all my problems and they would listen and not interrupt and make me feel better. I am not a nutcase, and since that episode of Two and a Half Men, we have all known the word ‘anthropomorphize’ – to give human qualities to things that are not human. People do this to their dogs all the time and it really irks me. Giving human qualities to non-human beings is inappropriate and can place undue pressure on the being too. If you were a dog, would you want to wear clothes?

The Good Life

There is a great episode of this old 70s show where they test whether talking to their plants will make them grow faster. I saw this episode as a child, and it always stuck with me. I liked the idea of encouraging plants and speaking sweetly to them. If I recall rightly, the husband in the episode is charged with speaking to the plants cruelly, while the wife speaks to them soothingly. Then they see if this had an effect on their growth.

Do plants feel and think?

No, I don’t believe they do. However, I am not sure and I have come to this conclusion after some thought on the matter. This is a question that you should probably investigate yourself, as you know intelligently that your vegetable soup doesn’t need the right to vote. OK, I am kidding, but if you think I’m crazy, have you heard of Plato and Aristotle? Smart dudes, right? They spoke of a theory of a Great Chain of Being (as ordained by God).

It’s “a strict, religious hierarchical structure of all matter and life” and to cut to the chase, you start in the mineral kingdom and progress through to animal, then man, then (if you are so worthy) angel – occasionally falling back again. Don’t get jazzed by Greek philosophy? That’s cool, Hindus (and some Buddhists) believe it too.


Heard of this? It’s like veganism except frutarians refuse to eat food that has not fallen naturally from the tree. Think this is nuts? I pretty much agree. Many people have only heard of this because Steve Jobs (founder of Apple) was fruitarian and there is a story that this is how Apple got its name. Ashton Kutcher took up a fruitarian diet in preparation for his role in Jobs and “subsequently suffered from pancreatic problems and was taken to a hospital. Jobs had died of pancreatic cancer”(source).

Do plants evolve?

“God sleeps in the minerals, awakens in plants, walks in animals, and thinks in man.” Arthur Young

“When you get into the whole field of exploring, probably 90 percent of the kinds of organisms, plants, animals and especially microorganisms and tiny invertebrate animals are unknown. Then you realize that we live on a relatively unexplored plan.” E. O. Wilson


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