Map of a Break Up: 40 Things You Can Expect

So it’s been three months. Three long months. But the months have not been lonely –in fact, they have been some of the busiest months of my life. Just over three months ago, my ex partner and I split. I was completely distraught at the time. I was actually physically sick; nauseous and unable to sleep. I could barely eat. I was drinking too much. I was taking sleeping pills to go to sleep.

I was a mess.

To make matters worse, the relationship that ended was the worst of my life. I really loved my ex partner, but he was a basket case and he made the split very, very difficult. I guess I should say, “I allowed myself to get very wound up over the split” because how I feel is none of his fault. He is not the boss of me.

The good news is that things have been going VERY WELL for me since the split. I am happier. I have been seeing much more of my friends. I have made new friends. I have been kicking goals at work. I have had more published material. I have had to do less washing. I have met a lovely guy (or should I say, reconnected with a lovely guy). There has been happy news in my family and with my friendship circle.

I was so sad during our final months. I wanted to know exactly how long I would be in pain for – how long does it take to get over a break up? I was sad because I loved my ex partner and I wanted to start a family and he did not. I was heartbroken and truly if there is anything in life that is hard to see it is hard to see a woman who wants to have a baby and who can’t. It is one of this world’s tragedies. It is never fun to watch.

I am now happy that we split because I now have the chance to move forward with my life and for the longest time I felt very stuck. Here is a quick summary of how I felt at certain points of my breakup – and how it started to get better and better.

The first few days

  1. Feeling completely numb
  2. Cannot eat food or even drink liquids
  3. Probably finding it hard to leave the house
  4. Going to work seems almost impossible
  5. Thinking about your (ex)partner constantly, every minute of every day

The first week

  1. You have gone through two boxes of tissues
  2. You are obsessively checking your ex’s facebook and instagram account for clues
  3. You try not to ring them
  4. You try harder not to ring them, but you cave and get their voice mail
  5. Your friends take turns to ‘babysit’ you, because you are such a mess

The second week

  1. You have either lost or gained weight
  2. You sleep through the night for the first time
  3. You still wake up thinking of your ex
  4. You cry constantly, but there are now gaps
  5. You start to get rid of all their stuff

The third week

  1. You delete their files from your laptop
  2. You defriend them from facebook
  3. You go out on the town with your girlfriends and dance your ass off
  4. A cute guy gives you his number, but you decide not to call because it’s too soon
  5. Your appetite is coming back, but only just

After the first month

  1. You realise that your social calendar is fuller than when you were in a relationship
  2. You have no socks. It’s time to do the washing
  3. You haven’t cooked anyone dinner in weeks and you don’t care
  4. You get a text from your ex and it takes three phone convos with your bestie to work out your response
  5. You fend of requests for dates from well meaning male friends

After six weeks

  1. Damn straight, you have definitely lost weight
  2. A piece of mail for your ex arrives in your letter box and you simply throw it away
  3. You wonder if he is seeing anyone
  4. The thought of being with someone else is still gross
  5. Hang on – was that a cute guy…?

After two months

  1. You still dream about your ex – but not every night
  2. You still think about your ex – but not every day
  3. It has been a couple of weeks since you recall crying, but then an ad on TV gets you going!
  4. When did life get so busy? You make a pact to only go out a maximum of three week nights per week
  5. You feel different. There is life after Mr Ex after all. What did I ever see in him?

After three months

  1. You start to realise that there was nothing so great about your ex anyway, that all the power is in you
  2. You start to realise you are a whole and complete person
  3. Perhaps it’s time to start dating again?
  4. Life is good. You are attracting great things into your world
  5. You really did move on. Congratulations.

At the start of this awful process my dear friend said to me:

Take the hit.

He meant – go through the break up. Suffer it. Feel it. Live the emotions. And let them go. I did. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever done. But I did it. I went through a bad break up, and I got over my ex. I healed. And I really AM over it too. I never thought I would be able to get over the break up. But here I am, kids. Living proof.

3 Comments

  • Well I knew you had it in you all along- you’re no weakling. You know, I remember something my pastor said many years ago. She (yes, SHE :0) made a reference to two boxers fighting. (You can liken this to you and your x in this case.) They are each other’s sources of pain and yet blow by blow they will fall on each other to rest: both panting, faint, exhausted, and both pausing and holding each other up before pushing away and continuing the blows.

    We have to embrace the pain in our lives and not only “endure it”, but become it. Like water. Water that passes through other water will never be its perfect former state. It will collect some of the new water and it becomes part of it. Pain is that way too, I’ve learned. If we embrace it, truly, and hold it gently and weep, the thorns dig down and take root and creates new growth within us- new depth. It hurts like hell! heh…but MAN it’s good for the soul in the long run.

    Well done you. Great post, by the way. 😉

    • alycevayle says:

      Thanks so so so much monochrome! It feels like a lifetime ago – and yet only yesterday. I am actually amazed that I managed to get over him – I never thought I would! But I have. I have only been in love twice and I never let go of my first love – so I was really happy to be able to let my second one go – it proves to me that change is possible. Now my heart is free to love again. And that’s what I am going to do. I am open, happy and healed. I am ready to find the one. It feels great. Thanks again for all your support and kind comments!

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