Fat days. You know what I’m talking about. I’m having one today. My stomach is bulging, my arms look chubby, my skirt is tighter than yesterday and I swear I can feel my thighs rubbing together more than they were yesterday.
Every time I put something in my mouth, I feel guilty.
On days like today I don’t even feel like looking after my appearance. Today I have worn my loosest, ugliest skirt and a T shirt in flattering black. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror of a shop on my lunch break and I looked like a different person.
Normally I like to dress up and look good. My day improves if I can manage to make it to the gym in the morning, but more often than not I seem to be pressing the snooze in order to get that extra hour’s sleep. I tell myself that I can make up my session at the end of the day and when it’s time to leave work I struggle to get into my gym tights and realise that I have left my socks at home.
Today my boobs even look bigger and I have a mean sugar craving. Better than I used to be I now buy a small packet of jelly beans from the chemist and make sure I don’t finish the packet. When this fails to satiate me, two hours later I have a spoonful of peanut butter, which I lick at my desk, feeling embarrassed to even be on the planet.
It didn’t help that during a fight the other night my boyfriend called me ‘chubby’. He was doing it just to be mean as he knows that using the ‘f’ or the ‘c’ word will upset me to no end. To make matters worse, I know I have gained tow kilos since starting this office job three months ago. It’s not a lot, but I can feel it. Some of my clothes feel tighter and I’m less comfortable in my jeans. I tell myself it’s because I’m too hot in summer to wear them – but I know the truth.
So I’ve been getting to the gym and trying to run as fast as I used to. I’ve been bringing my lunch from home and moderating my drinking. I’ve been doing push ups, sit ups and planks. I’ve been sprinting, then resting and then nearly falling off the treadmill when I try to skip to a faster-paced song on my iPod.
And the kilos aren’t shifting. Much.
So I tell myself to persevere. To be kind to myself. I tell myself that I am still lighter than I am at my heaviest – by a long shot. I tell myself that I can’t be identified by a simple number and that I go up and down – I am not a static benchmark of weight and beauty.
So what am I going to do about it?
1. Make a reasonable plan for next week.
Rather than telling myself I have to cut out this and that – I actually add things to my week, rather than removing them. For example, next week I want to get to the gym 5 times, including 2 weight sessions. I want to include an alcohol free night and a yoga class. I want to do at least 1 x 40 minute or 6 kilometre run.
2. Fluff your hair up
OK I am really trying with this one. Just about the only thing right with my appearance today is that my hair is at least clean. This morning it was fastened in a messy ponytail and scraped off my face. Now I’m trying to hide behind a mane of half-decent messy curls.
3. Go for a walk
Rather than sit on my arse for my lunch break – I put my shoes back on and did a large walk around the block. I felt as if my giant thighs were rubbing against each other, but at least it made me feel less full after my typical lunch of rice, tofu and salad.
4. Drink lots of water
Sometimes this can make me feel bloated, but I know it’s doing me good. When I drink lots of water it feels as if I am flushing out the toxins from my body and giving new life to my tissues. Of course I could just be imagining it – but, hey – it can’t hurt.
5. Combat negative thoughts
When those thoughts of “I’m fat, I’ll never be thin!” pop into my head, I try to be gentler with myself. I try to remember to acknowledge that I always have ups and downs and think about the weight I saw on the scales a week ago that I was happy with. I am not perfect, I tell myself, I fluctuate, I am human, I am OK with that.
6. Exercise after work
As much as I am dreading it now, I have booked a yoga class for after work. It’s a fairly intense Bikram workshop, where the room is heated up to 37 degrees and the class is 90 minutes long. I know I will feel anxious and irritated before the class, painful and sweaty while in the class and relaxed and proud afterwards. All I have to do is get myself there – the body will do the rest.
7. Cut back on salt, sugar and preservatives
OK enough is enough! I know I have eaten nothing but crap today, but I promise myself that for the rest of the day I will avoid sugar, salt and preservatives. It’s already 3pm – surely I can keep up this promise for the next 6 hours? That’s not too much to ask of myself … is it?
So – 7 steps to combat my fat day. Hopefully tomorrow I can start my new healthy regime and hit my targets for the week. And if I don’t? Well… I’m only human!