dating an asshole

7 Signs that You’re Dating an Asshole

Assholes: They seem to be everywhere. So, how do you know if someone truly, really is an Asshole? Unlike an emotional vampire, you can’t just wave a clove of garlic at them and hope they disappear. Assholes come and go, and if you suspect that you have one in your life, you should get rid of them, at least until they grow a brain and stop being an Asshole. Dating an asshole? Well, let’s find out.

1. The Asshole Doesn’t Listen

What? Is that the sound of my own voice? If not, then I won’t bother to hear you. Assholes don’t listen, they just talk, talk, talk. They love the sound of their own voices so much that they don’t care what other’s have to say. If someone in your life is always talking, interrupting, yelling over the top of you or ringing you obsessively: This could be a sign that you are dating an Asshole.

2. Your Friends and Family all Hate the Asshole

Mother can’t stand him or her? Father disappears into the back shed when they come around? Friends not inviting you out? Get seated at the rear of the wedding reception hall? If the person you are going out with is causing you to become ostracised from your nearest and dearest, then: This could be another sign that you are dating an Asshole.

signs that you are dating an asshole

3. The Asshole only thinks about Themselves

Your needs and wants? Why would I care about your needs and wants? If someone in your life is constantly talking, thinking, focusing and worrying all about themselves, then what chance do you have? Some people are quite content to have a love affair with themselves and there’s no need to let anyone else in. If a person in your life is just there for you to act as a sounding board to theirs, then: This could be yet another sign that you are dating an Asshole.

4. The Asshole Lies and Cheats

Assholes have trouble staying honest, because they are used to looking after number one: themselves. They will lie, cheat and steal to make sure that they get the best in life and everyone else gets the scraps. In the end, they are really only lying and cheating themselves. If someone in your life has a strange relationship to the truth: This could be a sign that you are dating an Asshole.

5. The Asshole is Secretive

Like lying and cheating, Assholes often keep things close to their chests. They don’t feel the need to be open and honest and they probably have other idiots like you on the go. If it looks like a rat and acts like a rat. Well, you know how the saying goes. If someone in your life seems to be keeping things from you: This could be yet another sign that you are dating an Asshole.

6. The Asshole Abuses You

Calling you names, harming your things, grabbing you or bruising you, if an Asshole does any of these things you know what you’ve got on your hands. If the Asshole in your life is crossing the boundaries in this way, then you really have to decide to call it a day. If someone in your life is abusing you: then there is no doubt: you are dating an Asshole.

7. The Asshole Doesn’t Love You

Even worse than the point above (OK maybe not quite as bad if the abuse is physical) is the Asshole who just doesn’t love you. If you suspect that you’re just there to keep the bed warm until the next willing idiot takes your place, then you need to move on. If someone in your life just doesn’t love you: This is the biggest sign that you are dating an Asshole.

7 Major Assholes:

1. Mel Gibson

dating an asshole-asshole boyfriend-mel gobson

Ant-Semitic, wife beater and long-term religious fanatic and alcoholic. Just be grateful that you’ve never met him.

2. Brad Pitt

dating an asshole brad pitt

Sorry Brad, but that was really low how you cheated on Jen Aniston. Then got Angelina pregnant. Then divorced Jen, then married Ange. Then had five kids within six months. That was harsh, dude.

3. Angelina Jolie

dating an asshole angelina jolie

And you get a mention too, Angelina. Nice girls don’t steal other women’s men. But you’ve never really been a nice girl. Humanitarian? But a major Asshole.

4. Russell Brand

dating an asshole russell brand

Sex crazed and wacky, I kind of like you, but I know you must have been an asshole to Katy Perry. This is the sort of Asshole that flirts with your mother, just to make his ego a little bigger.

5. Taylor Swift

dating an asshole taylor swift

It’s not very nice to write break-up songs about all your ex partners, but hopefully you’ll grow out of it. I was an Asshole when I was your age too.

6. Billy Bob Thornton

billy bob thornton is an asshole

Left Laura Dern for Angelina Jolie. Remember? How’s this for a rotten break-up story? From

The couple confirmed their split on April 6, and by April 7 Angelina Jolie was seen sporting a “Billy Bob” tattoo. According to the New York Daily News, Thornton called Dern to say he had no intention of marrying Jolie but was just “doing his thing” and four days later, Thornton and Jolie eloped to Las Vegas. “I left home to work on a movie, and while I was away, my boyfriend got married, and I’ve never heard from him again,” Dern said in the October issue of Talk Magazine. “It’s like a sudden death.” After the split, Thornton was quoted as saying: “God bless her. I hope she’s so happy. I want her to be so happy. But it was over. That’s all.”

7. Ashton Kutcher

dating an asshole ashton kutcher

Demi’s breakdown? Nuff said. Could have handled that better, buddy.

  1. March 19, 2013

    I can’t agree more with your posts!!! The things you mentioned defining assholes are so true. Maybe this post will make someone re evaluate their relationship. The only thing I cant quite agree on is Taylor Swift being on that list. HUGE fan of her. I feel like if you date a singer who has openly admitted to singing about her x’s then you kind of put yourself in that position of potentially being one of those people haha. I agree about Brad Pit! I like him as an actor but def disgusted at how that happened with Angelina Jolie . He clearly was sweeping a lot of things under the rug. Also, what about Leanne Rhymes cheating on her husband and to this day I believe she is still with that guy? 🙂

    1. March 20, 2013

      Well, I guess I was being a little harsh – this whole post was harsh in a way! By ‘asshole’ I really mean someone who consistently behaves beneath their own moral compass and values; the people you think – “Wow, that was a bit of a gutter choice!” I am certainly an asshole sometimes, so I don;t want to have a go at poor Taylor!

  2. enclavejosue
    March 15, 2014

    Ouch. So, it’s not being an asshole to pick people out and pin the label “asshole” on them? I’m sorry, but you really need some personal evaluating.

    1. March 15, 2014

      Hi Bob-

      Fair enough comment, I guess. For the record – this guy was a real asshole and just about the only thing good I got out of the relationship was this blog post – one of my most popular. It seems that lots of people google that question!

      Thanks for your comment and have a great day.


    2. Aiyana
      April 22, 2014

      This post is about a person brave enough to point out the real assholes which people don’t do enough off don’t you get sick and tired of racist Mel Gibson, insecure Taylor and slutty brangelina I have a real problem with people choosing assholes for their shrines and so should you!!

    3. anna
      April 22, 2014

      Oh get a backbone this is the flipping internet

      1. Arm the Animals
        February 26, 2017

        Right on!

        1. March 6, 2017

          Thanks Arm! 🙂

  3. Aiyana
    April 22, 2014

    oh good job mate I love this post it is excellent and spot on I would also add George Clooney, Eminem and Chris Brown to this list because they are assholes too.

    Taylor swift is an asshole to both genders, her songs belittle men and women through her own insecurity and she never thinks she does anything wrong ever!
    Yeah and what are Brangelina so great for anyway besides slutting their up to the top.

    1. April 30, 2014

      Hi Aiyana-

      Haha! Thanks for your comment – it really made me laugh! Yep – Taylor Swift is someone I like to light-heartedly make fun of! As for Brangelina – well I always thought the way Brad left Jennifer Aniston was totes harsh – but that’s just my opinion from the peanut gallery.

      Thanks for your comments and have a great day.


  4. Aiyana
    April 22, 2014

    I don’t like the idea of truly great women getting compared to shitty Angelina who is famous for a insatiable pussy.

  5. Aiyana
    April 22, 2014


  6. anna
    April 22, 2014

    Mel Gibson is definitely an major asshole because hating on Jews is never a good thing or wiffee beating

    1. April 30, 2014

      Hi Anna-

      Yes indeed – I gotta agree with that one. Back in the Braveheart days – I thought our Mel was a bit of alright – now I just think he’s totally lost it.

      Thanks for your comments!


  7. Mindy
    October 24, 2014

    Spot on and honest! if it walks like an asshole and talks like an asshole its an asshole. JS

    1. October 24, 2014

      Thanks for your comment, Mindy! I totally agree!


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  9. Leanna
    August 17, 2015

    Damn ironic how you call Taylor Swift out because she talks about people she doesn’t like when that’s exactly what you’re doing here. know who I don’t like? Hypocrites plus you probable have your own fanatics.

    1. August 17, 2015

      Hi Leanna,

      Yes, fair enough, you got me there! Judge not lest ye be judged and all that! Thanks for your comments and have a great week – I hope it’s asshole-free!


    2. NOT Leanna
      March 20, 2016

      Probably….you stupid asshole

    3. NOBODY
      May 9, 2019

      Sorry for my bad english. Your “7 signs” is good it is very informative and well written. but the “list of assholes” makes you an asshole too. People nowadays are quick to judge others base on what they see and hear without even knowing what that person really is or what makes him like that.

      1. May 16, 2019

        Hiya Nobody-

        Thanks for taking the time to comment. I can assure you that the horrible ex I wrote this about is most definitely an asshole – and I based that label on what I came to know about him after two long years. I was not quick to judge, and he was an asshole to everyone, not just me. His mother, his extended family, his friends and even a charity all copped his assholey-ness.

        This post was written for other hapless fools like me, who find themselves dating an asshole. It happens. It might even happen to you – but I hope not!

        Thanks for your comments.
        Love, Alyce

  10. Tara
    March 4, 2016

    the cup goes to my bf who after 8 year relationship doesn’t know my when my Birthday is!!!

    1. March 4, 2016

      Hi Tara,

      What an asshole. 8 years and you’re still with this guy? Unless you have kids, are married and/or have lots of assets with this person, I would consider whether he’s the right guy for you. Not everyone values birthdays, holidays and celebrations but if you do, and your partner denies you that acknowledgment, then I think it’s their way of “telling you something” without words.

      I can understand how that would be hurtful, so maybe try to discuss your feelings with him.
      Thanks for taking the time to comment!

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  13. Kelike
    July 3, 2016

    I am married to an asshole and he knows it. Together 7 years married 3. I find that they are a dime a dozen. The world would be a better place without them trust when I tell you this! Good Topic!

    1. July 4, 2016

      Thanks for getting in touch, Kelike and I totally agree with you that assholes are everywhere! Glad your relationship is still going strong, we all have our failings!
      Love, Alyce

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  17. Ann den
    January 7, 2017

    No need to put anything else down to this list…love it!! You covered it all in a very honest and simple way!!! But opinions are like assholes…lol

    1. January 10, 2017

      Ha ha! Thanks for your comment, Ann – very funny. Yep, I dated a proper asshole – and I am so glad to be free of him and his assholey ways.

      Hope you have a great week and thanks for taking the time to comment.

      –Love Alyce

  18. Tanequa
    August 12, 2017

    Funny how assholes married assholes on the list of Assholes and then I see the father of an asshole listed as an Asshole.

    1. August 18, 2017

      Thanks for that comment, Tanequa – they say “like attracts like”!

  19. Jasmine
    April 2, 2018

    I needed to read this because I was attracted to an asshole. I realize that I am far better off being on my own. Nothing wrong with being single and enjoying life on your terms and not theirs. Very liberating!

    1. April 3, 2018

      I agree Jasmine!

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