The most hurtful insults are ones that cut right to the core. Let’s start out be being honest here: you should never, ever seek to needlessly hurt someone you love but I know that lots of people search this question as my most popular post How to Deal With Hurtful Insults from Someone You Love is read nearly a thousand times a week, from people all over the world, including the USA, Canada, Australia, India and South Africa, to name a few.
Why are we are trying to hurt the people we love? The answer is simple; people criticize those they admire. When we love someone we have invested a lot of energy into them. This energy takes many forms: time, actions, thoughts, dreams of the future etc. When someone we love hurts us, it is natural to want to hurt them back. But is this OK?
I know what the most hurtful insults are because I have heard them all. Now happily married, I have dated a few assholes in my time, particularly my ex Joe, who was the world’s biggest asshole and a narcissist and an emotional vampire to boot. Here are a few of the most hurtful things you can say to your partner – take advice from Aunty Alyce and don’t use any of them.
I always thought you were too fat/ too short/ a bad dresser/ not very smart
There is nothing worse than someone stooping to this low chestnut. Imagine being in a great relationship for months or years, only to be told, “I always thought you were too fat!” It really cuts you down. There is a time and a place in normal, healthy relationships for a bit of constructive criticism – and I said “a BIT”. Be very wary when you criticise someone’s appearance or other personal qualities because we all have been carrying around hang-ups since childhood. Doing this is simply cruel and childish.
My friends/family hate you
Everyone but the most selfish of partners will take an interest in their lover’s friends and/or family. Being nice to the ones your partner loves is the best gift you can give them, along with love for them personally. If you plan to hurt someone you love, then telling them that the people you care about have “negative feedback towards them” can really hurt. It can make your partner feel “cheated” when you do this to them – as if the relationship was a charade, and not based on reality. It might also make your partner feel “ganged up on” and that they are on the outer.
I don’t love you anymore
Sigh. If things have been on the rocks for a while, then your poor loved one might be expecting this to come. Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever had someone tell me that they don’t love me anymore, more that the relationship wasn’t working. That said, this type of insult is often levelled at partners who have been in a long-term relationship that has undergone several transitions, such as a marriage that has withstood decades, children and debt. When you say, “I don’t love you anymore,” you are giving one of the most hurtful insults there are.
I have been deceiving you for (X) time
It’s particularly hurtful when we feel that someone we trusted has been acting deceptively. Deception in relationships can come in many forms; they may have been cheating, had an affair, or been concealing something else, such as serious debt or a job loss. If you really plan on hurting someone you love, then revealing that you have been deceptive will do it. The longer and worse the deception – the harder and stronger they will feel it. Should you always confess to bad behaviour? In fact, there are some counsellors who suggest that some deception in relationships is normal.
I am in love with someone else
Ouch. Oh the pain. Don’t tell me that. This is one of the worst things for someone to hear, especially if they are very invested in the relationship. Psychology Today suggests, “Grant your lover some space. Don’t expect to go from (breakup) to a friendship on the other end. Allow time for both of you to grieve, to get angry, to heal from wounds.” Although this statement might really hurt your partner, it is important to let them know when you’ve moved on. But do it in the right way, please.
I never really loved you
Hearing that someone you are in a relationship with “never really loved you” is incredibly harsh. This is without a doubt one of the most hurtful insults you can dish out. In most cases it’s not even necessary to say it – so don’t. Why do they need to know this? It simply won’t help them at all, unless it’s to move on quickly from something that’s not working. If you want to get rid of them for good, then you can consider saying this but in most cases, it’s simply unnecessarily cruel. Be a bigger man (or woman).
The most hurtful insults never change
They’ve been the same since the Dawn of Time and Adam dobbed on Eve for eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Really before Eve even says ONE WORD in the Bible, Adam and God have a conversation about what she did:
“And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?”
“And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.”
Clearly Adam wasn’t a big fan of personal responsibility. Don’t be like Adam. If you plan on hurtfully insulting someone you love, think twice. Be nice and rise above. Treat others as how you would want to be treated, with respect and love. Tell me how you go in the comments below. I would love to hear your story.