Smugness. We see it on Facebook all day – people posting their greatest achievements, looking proud and cluttering our feeds – making us feel inefficient. We’ve all heard of FOMO now – Fear Of Missing Out. In today’s age this is a real worry and many people actively switch off social media when they feel real pains of despair from seeing their friends’ “better” lives online.
There are many things that will make your friends want to block you on Facebook. Here are a few.
#1: Posting wedding shots well after your wedding month
OK, ok we get it. You got married. Stop posting photos of yourself in that dress – you’re not a bride anymore and it’s really a little sad.
Reaction: laughing on the inside. Shards of pity.
#2: Shots of your kid with food on its face
Adorable to you, simply gross to the rest of us. We don’t ever, ever want to see mashed banana or Thermomxied spaghetti smeared on someone’s face. It’s quite disgusting.
Reaction: Unfollow or block offending shots.
#3: Boring shots of your cat
Cats are boring, OK? They don’t do tricks and most of them just lie there. I know you think Pooky is adorbs but to the rest of us this is simply clutter.
Reaction: Scroll, scroll, scroll. Never comment or like. Keep moving.
#4: Posting in foreign languages when you’re travelling
Quell wanker! We all know you did language classes and are trying to blend in with the locals but honestly, we all think you’re très pretentious.
#5: The leftie, femmo, political activist
No, it’s not all down to the government, you gimp. Give your frenetic posting about the evils of Politician X a rest because it’s dull and you’re uninformed.
Reaction: Troll with differing opinions just to cause upset.
#6: Inspirational sayings from Buddha, Marilyn Monroe or Martin Luther King
OK – have you checked your source there, champ? Marilyn never said that and even if she did, she probably wouldn’t approve of her image being hacked and commercialised.
Reaction: Face palm.
#7: Posting long videos that take ages to load
Is this really, really going to be worth it? Or will I spend precious seconds of my life downloading this shite only to be hugely disappointed?
Reaction: spend time Googling “remove auto-play”. Give up.
#8: Personal/public posts to your lover
“Honey – we should go here this weekend!” the poster then tags the boyfriend, girlfriend and leaves everybody wondering why they don’t just discuss this event while they next have sex.
Reaction: Inner groan, placing bets on ‘time to break-up’ for said couple.
Remember what Mark Zuckerberg said:
“The thing that we are trying to do at Facebook, is just help people connect and communicate more efficiently.”
So don’t post anything above, please. But what have I missed? Or am I just being a grouch? Tell me in the comments below!