How to Deal With Hurtful Insults from Someone You Love

It hurts quite a lot to be insulted by someone you care about. Hurtful insults can feel so unnecessary. I don’t often insult people just to be mean, but if I decide to, I can cut a person down with only a few well-chosen words. The better you know someone, the easier it is to hurt them. You know all their weaknesses and insecurities. You know the character flaws that they are most ashamed of. And you can use these things against people. Hurtful insults can be an extreme weapon.

If you’re a mean person, that is.

Luckily for me, I am not a mean person.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had my mean moments, but I don’t often set out to hurt people with my words.

I make an effort not to gossip and ‘bitch’ about people. Yes, you know I even hate the word ‘bitch’. When someone is asking me my opinion on someone, I imagine that person standing next to me. I only say things that I would want them to hear. I try to be as nice as I can.

hurtful insults from someone you love

Every now and then, we all need to vent. There are appropriate ways to do this. Recently, I went through a bad breakup and had to rely heavily on my friends and family to pull me through without losing my mind. Luckily I have great friends and a very supportive family, and I am now ok – without having to resort to unnecessary meanness, pettiness and name-calling.

There were times I was so upset I wanted to call my ex and yell at him and tell him all the terrible things I thought about him. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to make him feel the same pain that I was feeling. But I didn’t do that. What did I do instead? I phoned a friend and vented to them instead. Never put up with hurtful insults.

My poor friend.

angry-partners Hurtful insults

For a solid 15 minute block they heard me ramble on and on about my ex and say very constructive things like, “I MEAN he’s JUST and IDIOT… you know? Like YOU KNOW. Like, HOW could he do that? You KNOW?”

My friend didn’t try to justify my ramblings; my friend didn’t try to stop me. My friend simply said, “I know. I know. It’s hard. You’re hurting” until I came to my senses and realised how silly I was being. That’s what a good friend does. That’s what a good person does. My friend’s listening ear allowed me to get my venting off my chest in a (mostly) appropriate way, and I was able to move on without involving my ex or hurting him any further. Good luck and good riddance, I say! Hurtful insults be gone!

There is no need to be mean by using hurtful insults

I have an older ex (both in timeline and age) who had a real tendency for being mean. Ok, what do I mean by that? He would often trot out hurtful insults that had nothing to do with an argument. These insults were designed just to be hurtful. There are a few things we learn never to say to someone. We all have our insecurities. I do not have a thick skin at all. I am so incredibly sensitive that even little insults really cut me.

There is one word you can never use in front of me.

It’s the F word.


If someone ever, ever, ever uses that word around me, I am not just insulted, but I shut down emotionally. I have an ex-ex-ex (ok, count ‘em, that’s three so far mentioned in this post) who was highly critical about my appearance. He went so far as to book my hair appointments for me and enlisted one of his female friends to take me shopping, as he didn’t like my ‘look’. He was paying, so I said “sure”.

Over the years, his constant fixation on my appearance had a negative influence on our relationship. I increasingly felt as if I was being ‘sized up’ every time I set foot in his apartment, and that does not make for a relaxing night. After a while I became so insecure that I had to stop seeing him at all. A woman wants to feel beautiful around her boyfriend and a man who does not provide this simple, free incentive is on borrowed time.

Also check out Why am I being criticized? The answer is: people criticize those they admire and What are the most hurtful insults you can say to someone you love?

hurtful insults from someone you love

What are some tips to deal with hurtful insults?

One method of dealing with hurtful insults is Acceptance

From Psychology Today: ‘Consider three things: whether the insult is true, who it came from, and why. In general, if I respect the person who insulted me, I ought to give thought to the insult and learn as much as I can from it. On the other hand, if I think that the person who insulted me is not worthy of my consideration, I have no reason to take offense at him, just as I have no reason to take offense at a naughty child or a barking dog.’

Another method of dealing with hurtful insults is to Walk Away

Ever felt that someone is goading you just to get a response? Bullies do this all the time. “Bullies will often take any reaction as encouragement to continue” according to wikihow. There is nothing more satisfying than beating a bully at his or her own game. If someone has thrown something at you to make you react – then not reacting might drive them crazy. It’s a good technique, provided you can discipline yourself.

I have updated this post as well. Here are some further thoughts on dealing with insults – from my post Why am I being criticized? The answer is: people criticize those they admire

Another method of dealing with hurtful insults is Using Humour

This can often deflect the insult and throw your attacker off. Using humour can be a great way to disarm someone. Having said that, it does take a lot of self-discipline and may not always be an option that you reach for in the heat of the moment. From Psychology Today: ‘Sometimes, it might even be appropriate to exaggerate or add to the insult so as to make a mockery of the insulter and, by extension, of the insult. Ah, if only you had known me better, you would have found greater fault still!’

Put downs really hurt but esoterically speaking, only you can make yourself feel bad.

Got that?

Only you can make yourself feel bad… or good.

No one has any power over your emotions, except for you personally.

“On days I am feeling insulted, I walk through the park and see the trees and they look do bland to me, so cold, so dull. I walk through the park when I am feeling elated, and the trees look so grand! So beautiful! But they’re the same bloody trees as yesterday! It’s only my emotional mindscape that makes me feel one way or another.”

By learning to control my emotional reactions – I am learning to free myself.

Also check out Why am I being criticized? The answer is: people criticize those they admire and What are the most hurtful insults you can say to someone you love?


  • John says:

    That friend that listened to you ramble must really care a lot about you.

  • Hi, thanks for visiting my blog and If i must say you’ve got interesting articles to read-on here, Nice blog.

    • luis ekisa says:

      I have a query,my dude really said mean words to me on my birthday,he had forgotten that yesterday was my birthday and he really made me mad ,I got so mad that we felt into an agreement that he told me lots of hurtful words.what do I do

      • Alyce Vayle says:

        Hi Luis,

        How shitty, and what an asshole. BUT can I just say, my own (adorable) husband “forgot” my birthday too last year, and we are still together. As we get older, days come and go, but I agree with you, when someone forgets us on a special day – it freakin’ hurts. I had tuna on toast my last birthday night (on my own, no phone calls, no special dinner). I wont ever forget that. My birthday may not have meant a lot to him, but the fact that he forgot it meant a lot to me. So it was a “gift” in a sense. A sucky, crapola gift, but a gift nonetheless.


  • alycevayle says:

    Thanks for your comment Kim! I’m always at the variety of blogs I find on wordpress. I’m trying to post almost daily – it takes a lot of work!

  • Tori says:

    Hi I really appreciated this article. I’m in a relationship with someone I care so dearly about, but he is unable to communicate his feelings and it’s been having a big effect on my happiness. After he calms down he blames me for things that aren’t true and tonight he really tore me down. I’m not sure if you have any advice for that… But your words really helped me get my head back.

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Thanks so much for your comments, Tori.
      I wrote the post about someone I cared about who always seemed to tear me down with his words. I came to realise that it was something in himself he was lacking – something that I could never give to him. People who are confident in their own capabilities and lives do not need to tear people down, they are too big for that. When we criticise someone else, it is an unfulfilled part of ourselves that we are trying to legitimize. Tearing down the person next to you is really just a distraction.
      Good luck with your relationship and remember to value and love yourself, with all your heart.

  • yamilet says:

    my bf jst dumped me fr another gurl nd he said we should be friends bt later on he jst started insultin me and sayin hurtful stuffs abt me and d wort part of all is dat he always ignors me like i never existed in his life and dat hurts alot plzz i nid ur advice i cant stand him anymore he’s being a jerk to me nd i rili love him

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Yamilet,

      Thanks for your comment. I think you know what your answer is. Your “boyfriend” has told you that he only wants to be friends, and he’s insulting you. You need to get over him and find someone who loves and appreciates you for YOU. There is someone out there for you – trust me – and I don’t think it’s this guy. When you open your heart up and start to love and value yourself more, you will attract the right person into your life. As for this guy – start to ignore HIM and see if that changes things. Good luck and thanks for your comments.

  • Savannah says:

    This was such a lovely post! Thank you for sharing!

    I’m wondering what your take would be on a situation that I’ve been struggling to handle.

    I’m currently in a musical, and we’ve been working on it for about a month now. I have one friend who signed up to work backstage today. I consider her to be one of my closest friends, and have for a couple years, but all she had to say was negative.

    She kept commenting on how bad my dancing was (in front of others, which added insult to injury), and then started laughing about it like it was a joke. Later she ragged on the production as a whole and said how disappointed she was in it, even though we’re still in rehearsal, so we’re not supposed to have everything right yet.

    It made me feel very hurt because I thought she was my friend and I want her to be proud of me. We’ve (the cast and crew) all worked really hard in the last month to try to put on a good show and we truly are doing our best.

    Part of me thinks that the fact that she auditioned for this same show and did not get in is partially why she’s lashing out so much, but I’m not sure how to respond to that. I have been trying to go easy on her, because lately, she’s been saying many rude things because she’s hurting. I keep giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I feel like if I continue to make excuses for her behavior, I will only end up resenting her.

    It would be different if this was new, but she’s been making backhanded comments all throughout our friendship; today’s were just the most overt.

    For example: this summer, she said–also in front of others–that I looked like Squinch from the Sandlot because I had such big teeth. Another time, she said that I sang weird, “like an old lady”, whatever that means. I know these sound like silly things to say, but they were all things that, like you mentioned, she knew would hurt me. They were also all things that she said in front of other people, and then acted like they were jokes so that I couldn’t be mad.

    Before, I could somewhat convince myself that I was being overly dramatic and sensitive and making it up in my head, but today it was more obvious than before that I wasn’t and I don’t know what I did to make her want to hurt my feelings. (It stands to mention that all of these other things happened before she didn’t get into the musical, so I know that it isn’t just about that.)

    It would be great to hear your perspective. Do you think I should tell her how I feel?

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Savannah-

      Well, let me congratulate you first on the fact that you seem to have been dealing with a rather “hot” situation with maturity and poise so far – and I agree that this is the tactic you should continue to take from here on in. As you’ve said in your letter, she’s only been able to secure a backstage placement and may be feeling envious of the fact that you were able to secure a more in-demand role. The fact that she is openly criticizing you does indicate that she is carrying pain inside. Your response to the situation will be dictated about how much you value your friendship. If you see value in remaining friends, aim to be compassionate – jealously is a natural part of life and by “rising above” you will be able to be compassionate, and maintain the friendship if that’s what you want.

      If you don’t want to remain friends – then just ignore her. I don’t think confrontation will get you a desirable result at this stage. Tread carefully and with heart and justice will be done. Perhaps she needs more help than you.

      —All the strength


  • Lata says:

    I am suffering A hellish life.insultation bad word before all n publicly have been usd by my husband to me.a great insultation.torture.very unstable attitude.he fails to wipe out some one special from his life.cant love me.if i try to wipe out dat special one he became violent .what should i do

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Lisa

      It sounds to me like you may be clinging onto a situation that is no longer serving you. Realise your true value and surrender to what happens next. There’s never an excuse for violence. Take care of yourself.
      With love –Alyce

  • Ravish says:

    I really appreciate your way of representing thoughts and answering each one of above person.Really matured and practical answers.(My perception)

    To some extent even i faced extreme insults from the girl whom i really love since last 10 years. She knows this thing, but unfortunately she doesn’t love me,as she is committed with someone else.(Simple love triangle)..

    But what i really want to know is, why even after a decade she is not having a single-bit of feeling for me.. ??? (she wasn’t having any person before 4 years,i.e she is committed since last 4 years and crossed all barriers of physical relationship).

    Whenever she needed support from any friend,she used to call me,remove all her shit thoughts in front of me,hug me and much more (Except having sex). And now,the same person has become so rude that,even looking at her makes me frustrated,angry,disgusted and fore mostly “highly depressed”.

    People say,I should leave her on her own,but if you love someone,and if u know every bit of her life,then does it make any sense of leaving her??

    I just want to know following things:-
    1) how to accept the bitter reality of life?
    2) how to accept that she had sex with some other person ??
    3) how to move on after a decade of relationship without getting frustrated,depressed and sad ??
    4) how to keep own-selves quite,cool and calm???

    note:- unfortunately we both share common friends.. So taking the help of friends is inapplicable in my case.


    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Ravish-

      Thank you for your detailed comment. This sounds like a very heartbreaking situation, but one I feel has a simple solution (but not easy). You really need to move on. It may be difficult, as you share a group of friends, but not impossible. She is being quite clear in her actions that she has moved on and no longer wants the same things as you do. You need to truly understand this – she may never come back to you, or be able to give you what you need. You deserve someone who loves you completely – and who honors you and only you. Such a person is out there for you, but until you have moved on – completely – you will not attract this person. You have to let go.

      I held on to a difficult relationship for nearly 10 years too – thinking he would come back. He had no intention of ever doing that and I was deluded. I should have moved on. Can you move on? Is it possible> I feel that it is. You just really need to try. Read my post how long does it take to get over a break up: and Map of a Break Up: 40 Things You Can Expect

      YOU CAN free yourself – and you must. I will try to answer your questions:
      1) how to accept the bitter reality of life?
      Stat by reading those 2 blog posts – try to move on
      2) how to accept that she had sex with some other person ??
      Her actions are another way for you to cut the cord of attachment. She isn’t focused on you – so do not focus on her.
      3) how to move on after a decade of relationship without getting frustrated,depressed and sad ??
      You will be sad for a time – embrace that – and move on in due time. It may take several months but it IS possible
      4) how to keep own-selves quite,cool and calm???
      You have the strength – best of luck!

      —Please let me know how you go!

      —Love, Alyce

      • Ravish says:

        Again, i will really appreciate you for your kind words. I read-up both the links that you have posted in your previous response, and must say that, even you have felt a lot of pain. (hats-off)

        And answering to your question, that “how i go?”, i will simply say “A big” thanks to you, not because you are site admin, but because what you wrote in your blogs, really motivates the person who is badly (desperately) struggling with his/her feelings.

        Yea, i will agree with you that, all positive energy lies within own-selves. If he/she really wishes to overcome grief,pain and much more, then he/she can definitely do it.(Only making up mind or simply determination is required). And to some extent, i have started doing it, and found results of same..I am rewarded with somewhat happiness by the mother-nature.

        Definitely its always difficult to face such mess,but its a part of life and most of us have to pass through it.Being an emotional-bee i would like to say “Thanks” to you and for your efforts that you have put for solving (rather giving friendly suggestions plus support to the one), who is totally unknown to you.

        I hope ,when i return back here, i will see my selves 1000 miles ahead in life.

        Again thanks for being there for me.


        • Alyce Vayle says:

          Thanks for your kind words Ravish! I wish you all the best – and someone as lovely and sensitive as you is bound to find someone that you match with perfectly – just don’t give up and be true to yourself and your needs.

          Love, Alyce

  • Bryan Khan says:

    I am going thru what I wud describe as hellish. I left everything behind for my partner, shifted cities… Gave up my job…n lost everything in the process.

    Now what do I get in return? Insults and humiliation. To add to that I caught my partner having sex chats with others and planning meet ups. Been physically abused- hit, personal email account has been hacked into…

    Literally, I don’t know what to do. Am an alien in this new city. Don’t wanna go back home or tell my fam as it will hurt them. CNt share with friends coz I went against them for the relationship n now have no one…


    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Bryan,

      You poor thing. That sounds like a bit of a mess. I have also stayed in abusive relationships too long and you know what? It was a GIANT waste of time and energy. If your partner is planning “meet ups” and “chats” with others, let them go, you’re worth more than that. I understand the notion of clinging to someone because you feel you “have no one else” and that you’re alone in the city. Those are not good enough reasons to stay. Does your partner really love you? Look into your heart and bravely ask the question. If the honest answer is no – then move on. You owe it to yourself.

      –Love, Alyce

  • Bryan Khan says:

    Thanks Alyce. I am working in the process of moving on. Just trying to surround myself with friends. I am blessed to have them stand by me even after I let them.down. coming arcoss this page has provided me much encouragement. U are an angel..thank you for speaking into peoples lives and more importantly, listening to us..
    Its a long road ahead for me…tough but I’ve taken the first step. Don’t know what the future holds but I need all the support that I can get to set things in perspective.

  • Bow Rachadej says:

    Thanks, this is kind of what I do. And you’re right. These things can work ! I feel like myself again at last

  • Isaac boye says:

    My girlfriend quite with for almost a months and am dating a different person now but my ex girl having being texting with my new girlfriend and she has being insulting me to my new girlfriend.she has being telling her about the money she has given to me and some help she has helped me with .telling her am a wicked person and telling her about my pass and what she have help me with.she also told her that I only gave a 60gh in a whole life .do you please think she have to used my pass to disgrace me to my new girlfriend.what show I do please

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Oh Isaac-

      How did your ex and your current get each other’s phone numbers? Did you introduce them? If so, you really only have yourself to blame. If any of my exes met and had the opportunity for a “chin wag” I’m sure they’d “shoot the breeze” telling all of their worst stories about me! What can you do? I would suggest that you try to cut contact with your ex – why is she still even in your (and your girlfriend’s) life? Have you moved on, or are you still pining for her?


  • anne says:

    hi going through a very difficult time in a time when am very far away from home n in a very lonely land(middle east) relationship become very rough because of my boyfriend started 2 distance himself which made me very clingy n needy..he started ignoring me n later broke up with was a very messy break up..later i apologized 2 him n said he had forgiven me but needed time 2 heal..i agreed 2 give him but i could talk 2 him every once in a while but he could become angry very easily especially when i mentioned anything about the break up..n he ended up blocking me everywhere on social media n whenever i called him he was very hostile..i panicked n he called him severely n he told me he hates me with passion n doesnt want anything 2 do with me..he even gave another lady his phone 2 answer me n tell me he got married..i did not retaliate i only told him i still love him n have always been afraid of losing him n apologized 4 making him friends told me he’s not even seeing very hurt by the way he has treated me n he doesnt care at all how i feel

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Anne-

      Yep – that’s one awful situation you have found yourself in. It really, really hurts when we feel deeply for someone and they don’t seem to care about us at all. It’s even worse when you’re far away and needing validation. But let me make one thing clear – you need to see things as they are, not as you would like them to be. This guy has been very clear with you by his words and by his actions – and you need to take that on board so you can move on. Do not waste another minute feeling heartbreak over this guy. Something that I have learned in life is that even when we love someone deeply – unbelievable though it is – sometimes they simply do not love us back, or they love us less than they should – and truly don’t care. Personally, I have wasted YEARS of my life in relationships where I was with someone who simply did not love me. Maybe it was me, maybe it was them, maybe they were incapable of love. It doesn’t matter. Although it hurts – you need to let go of this relationship and his poor treatment of you. You can never make his actions “right” and it does not sound to me like he will ever “come around”. Move on.

      I know this hurts. I know it’s hard. But you WILL get over this guy. Stop thinking about him, contacting him, and otherwise giving the situation energy. Concentrate on work, making new friends in your exotic new location and do things that feed your soul and make you happy. All the best. I believe in you.
      Love, Alyce

  • dixen says:

    one day i was proposing a girl and that girl insulted me but i still need her

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Dixen-

      That sounds like a pretty uncomfortable situation – do you want to reveal exactly what happened? Either way, if you feel insulted (at such an important moment in your life) then it’s possible that this girl was not for you….what do you think?

      All the strength, Alyce

  • smith says:

    Ive been with me guy for nearly 9 years. He is kind and mean all at the same time. I just don’t know anymore. He says really hurtful things and I want to lash back but I can’t…..I cry a little…rub my eyes…clear my thoughts and forget what he said and carry on. I do try to tell him his words hurt and all o get is “if you don’t like it move out”. I don’t like being a quiter but this/his words are causing me to put this wall up and actually want to leave…with the thought of I would rather be alone than be with someone like this for the rest of my life

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Smith-

      Well, you said it. In your heart you know what you want to do. I will now play back to you what you’ve said:
      “I would rather be alone than be with someone like this for the rest of my life.”
      “His words are causing me to put this wall up.”
      “I actually want to leave.”

      What’s keeping you there? Yes, it’s hard to let go of 9 years of investment in a situation, but if you had to put up with his behaviour for another 9 years, how would that feel?
      You know what to do, you just don’t want to hear it. Leave. Your soul is deeply suffering.
      Be brave and all the strength, Alyce

  • samuel emmanuel says:

    hello Alyce. i love you post it is one of the best post that i have read. i am heart broken as a result of that i was searching on the internet to see what i would say to my girl friend that will hurt her so much i wanted her to feel what i felt when she hurt my feelings. i love this girl so much that i have always been there for her.i even wanted to get married to her. when ever she calls my phone and i don’t pick up immediately she will say that am making out with a girl, she dose not trust me, last night i came back from school i was very tired so she called my phone but i did not pick up my call, so i saw her missed calls and i called her back then she started calling me a fool that am stupid, we are having a big fight now but i love this girl so much and i don’t want to loose her but letting her go will be for the better because she always hurts my feelings and yet she will say that am the one hurting her. the biggest issue that we have is trust she dose not trust me, i have tried to talk to her but it did not workout well for me, she has a very hot temper please i need your advice on this what can i do.

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Samuel,

      Thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds to me that all hope is not yet lost for you and your love, it seems as if there are still strong feelings there on both sides.
      I think you need to learn to react more considerately – both of you. When an “upset” happens, do not leap on it and make it worse – there are huge benefits to “sleeping on it” and taking your time to reply appropriately.

      We have all been insulted, maligned, abused, mistrusted and hard done by. Your job is to raise your spiritual vibrations enough that you can be true to yourself enough to attract (or keep) the right partner for you.

      I feel hope for you and your situation. Take things slowly and work on your trust issues. You cannot have a relationship without trust.

      –All my love,

  • Saikumar says:

    I have a friend whom i am very close to….he is very loud mothed and abuses a lot.
    He although backs me up sometimes and guide me through my examination(im a school student who wanted to get consoled) and help me tackle explosive situations…he likes to insult me as well.
    I tried to talk to him about how it hurts but he replied that was the aim for his inault.
    He doesnt mind insulting me in public..i can also talk back and curse him but i cant because i still consider him my friend and it was his part of attitude.I feel very useless around him and i feel unhappy about myself when im around him and my self respect is severely decreased around him…what do i do?is he my good friend or am i just a uninvited guy for him?

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Saikumar,

      It sounds to me like this is a borderline abusive relationship. To hear you say, “I feel very useless around him,” is heartbreaking. You have value, you are worthy, you are special. Your friends, family and loved ones know this. Surround yourself with those who honour and love the real you. No relationship is perfect, and (let’s face it) we all say things to those we love that we later regret. You sounds young, but sensible – so you need to weigh up what this relationship is offering you, versus what it may be costing you.

      Love and strength,

  • Onion says:

    Hi Alyce,
    I’m hoping you could give me advice on how to make this situation with my girlfriend better.

    We’ve been together for 9 months now, and we both love each other very much. However, in the beginning of the relationship I did not come clean with her that I was not completely over my ex (broke up 5 months ago) and even told her that I thought my ex was prettier (I was blinded; my current gf is way prettier). The second horrible thing that I did was compare her looks with 2 common friends (super bad move.. i regret it every day). Note that I said all these before she ratted me out about being unable to get over my ex. Naturally, she would feel that I was using her as a “replacement”, even though I’ve never thought of her as that..she is a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart and I knew that I wanted to be with her. We took a short break from each other and I think it was the lowest period of my life when things were uncertain..I did not want to lose her. Very very thankfully, she still wanted to be with me and we talked it out. We made truce. Another thing is, I do hip hop but she has been doing contemporary and she recently started hip hop and we’re in the same dance club. Of course, as hip hop is new to her, I gave her tips and told her how to improve on her moves. You see, my ex was a hip hop dancer as well, and before she ratted me out, I stupidly made her watch my ex dance and according to her, the way I watch my ex is way more enthusiastic than when I watch her videos. She also has inferred that I do not like watching her dance and it has taken a toll on the both of us as her confidence in dance has dropped and I feel so horrible about it as I am in fact mesmerized by her no matter which style she does. Also, I do understand that she just started hip hop and I am so so proud of her for daring to try a new style (i cannot do contemp for nuts) and she is improving so much. I have told her all these but I think the damage was done.. 🙁

    We had an argument yesterday and she said she needed time on her own. She cited the accumulation of all the above as the reason for it. I know she still loves me very much, and I guess that is also the reason why she is so affected by it. She has blocked me on various social media outlets and I am lost as to how to make her feel better. One thing she said yesterday that left the greatest impact is “you are the person that can crush the things I am confident about, and you did it”. That line made me cry myself to sleep last night. I blame myself for ruining the self esteem of such a beautiful girl and dancer. Part of me knows that the only way she can get her esteem back (she really deserves to feel good about her looks and dancing) is to break up with me, but obviously I want her in my life so badly.. I don’t know how I can help her feel better. I feel really helpless. Do you have any advice for me/us?

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Onion,
      Thanks for getting in touch.

      Right. She’s hurt, quite badly by the sound of it, if she’s blocked you. Listen to Aunty Alyce here – never, ever, ever, EVER talk about your ex. I learnt this the hard way, and by the looks of it, you are learning this now too. Curiosity is totally natural. She may have even asked you about your ex, or encouraged you to share. This is always a bad idea. You’re damned if you say “good” stuff about your ex and you’re damned if you say “bad” stuff too. Just totally avoid the subject of your ex. Draw a line under the sand from today.

      You will probably need to fight to get your current lover back. Here’s what I suggest – give her some respectful space for a while (a few days, a couple of weeks) and wait for the situation to diffuse. Allow her to come to you, by the sound of it, she will. You are right, it is not up to you to make this person feel good about themselves, that will come from within. Your job is to love her, honour her and treat her with respect – the rest will fall into place.

      Forget about your ex – remember the reasons you broke up and never (even unconsciously) compare your past partners with your current, this will only lead to upsets. Focus your attention 100% on your new love and start afresh (if she’ll forgive you).

      It doesn’t sound like this situation is irreparable, so good luck. Give it a week and then send he a big bunch of flowers, or some sort of other nice surprise, to show you care. It may sound cheesy but the “classics” always work when we’ve done something wrong: space, time, respect, ask forgiveness, and maybe a thoughtful present. The present doesn’t need to cost a lot; you just need to put some thought into it.

      Please let me know how you go.,

      All the love, Alyce

  • Daniel says:

    Okay well here goes I meet a women and basically I have been in limbo for 7months and she has walked away over small things and ive fell for her deeply and tried to show her and the last to month of this untitled relationship when she has walked away i have insulted her in text abused her for her lack of effort and the fact how could she walk away so easy and I dunno why I have acted this way maybe because my last relationship I got used and abused and I feel like it’s not fair that she walks away leaving me in love alone and she said she has deep feelings for me but continues to walk and not deal with our issues I just wanna no why I turn to insults and text like crazy trying to hang on to someone I love at the same time I am digging a bigger hole any advice you can give would mean alot and yes i am very loving and clingy but pushed I’m very the opposite and now I don’t think I’ve done the damage but I will seek counselling to understand why some people say well you have been pushed but why do I insult her and bring her down some probably true but some insults are just extreme and disgusting and after I cool off I’m like what have I done thanks .

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Daniel,

      First of all, thanks for getting in touch, it seems that you may be hurting quite a lot. So – I will play back some of the things you have said:

      “I have insulted (my partner) in text abused her.”
      “In my last relationship I got used and abused.”
      “I turn to insults and text like crazy.”
      “I am very loving and clingy.”
      “Why do I insult her and bring her down – then think, ‘what have I done?’”
      “I will seek counselling.”

      So, for 7 months now, you have been doing this awful dance with a person you clearly care about. I can see that you already understand what the problem is: you are swinging from one extreme to the other – she withdraws, you chase + cling, she ignores, you abuse, she presumably comes back for more.
      Honestly, I think you need to decide what you really want from a partner – can this person really give you what you need? Why does she withdraw from you? Maybe she cannot give you the relationship you are seeking – so find someone who can.
      The abuse by text HAS to stop. It is hurting both of you. You need to grow up and act like an adult and push the hurt of the past behind you. I think you have abandonment issues, perhaps stemming from childhood. Lots of us do. You are trying to control this situation and the more you try to control it, the more it slips away.
      I think counselling would help but first and foremost – stop the clingy behaviour and insults. Then ask yourself whether this is the right woman for you. Be brave.
      Good luck and keep in touch.

      X x x Love Alyce

  • Madison says:

    Hi Alyce,
    I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog. I’d been dumped a few months ago by my now ex boyfriend. He gave me no closure and left without an explanation. I called him up because I wanted answers. I mean don’t dumpees deserve closure, at the least? So I called and asked him but he seemed irritated and told me he was sleepy and hung up. It’s especially difficult for me since he was my best friend too. I’d known him for years. I trusted him with all my heart. I wasn’t satisfied with his replies so I called him up again and asked him why. He said “religion” ( we follow different faiths). I was hurt and angry and couldn’t believe how religion was above everything for him. I wanted more answers and demanded more. I also still wanted to be friends with him for old time’s sake and tried to remain in touch with him occasionally until one day he insulted me by hurling the most unimaginable word against me. He called me a w***e. And that was the last time I ever spoke to him. It hurts a lot when I think about it.

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Madison,

      Yep, you got yourself a Grade A Asshole there. Here are some signs you are (or were) dating an asshole – does this guy sound like he meets this criteria?

      Do you deserve closure? Yes, of course you do. Do we always get it? Hell no. Sometimes things just end shockingly with no reason or explanation – jobs, lives, loves – there is nothing you can do. This guy has been pretty direct with you – cruel, but direct. So that means you can (and should) move on.

      Don;t call him, don’t ask him for further explanation. Take this unfair and unjust situation and learn from it. Find someone who treats you right. This guy is not that person – and you know it.


  • Shoma says:

    Hi Alice

    My story is complicated but here goes..I’ve stood by my guy for almost three years and he has big problems with his unpredictable ex he’s got two kids one with Special needs and volatile another one who is weird ..he has depression and financial problems in old house he lived with ex so we’ve moved to new house he loves I take control of all the bills as we agreed we both have a car each now life has improved since we moved over 5 months ago but our sex life has been so so ! Last night in front of a lovely burning fire an aromatherapy diffuser blowing out lovely scents we were watching a film we both chose.. Cuddling up he got aroused then just as we were about to get into action he sniffed me and said you smell like beef pot noodle!! In all
    My days I’ve never been so insulted I rushed upstairs to get a shower because I was so hurt by this ..naturally it stopped any passion. Please note I had been cooking tea earlier and it was spivey chicken so it would appear that some of the spices were on my clothing! …after all the things I’ve done today including cooking his meal..tidying house ..and listening and supporting him through yet another crisis with his son we had to have him over night due to his ex not being able to handle him…I’m beginning to wonder what to do if he wasn’t in the mood I’d rather he say

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Shoma,

      …and thanks so much for getting in touch. I love your comment and I really think that this is the line that stands out for me: “My story is complicated.” It stood out to me for a couple of reasons. You and your partner obviously have a lot on your plates, you mentioned the ex, the child with special needs, mounting bills and another volatile ex girlfriend – those things would be a strain on any relationship – so well done for being mature and coping with all these issues so far.

      You know what? The stupid comment he made about the pot noodle is just that – a stupid, thoughtless comment. Don’t make too much of it. Sometimes men (and women too) can be inconsiderate, say the wrong things and only think of themselves. This is normal and nothing to worry about. Guys can be slow to pick up on rather obvious cues. Or is there something else going on? You seem a tiny bit resentful of him. You mention that you are doing a lot of the “heavy lifting” in the relationship, is that how you feel? You’re tidying the house, being an agony aunt and looking after a child that isn;t yours – is it really the comment about the pot noodle smell that’s irked you so much? I don’t think so.

      I think that you are feeling unheard. I think that you are feeling under too much pressure. Maybe your guy isn’t aware of your feelings. Try to have an open and honest conversation about that because we all say and do stupid, inconsiderate things in relationships sometimes. Maybe all this stuff going on is stressing your man out and as you say, he’s just “not in the mood.” Read my post called Withholding Sex: is it Ever OK? The Difference Between Men and Women for more info.

      Good luck with your situation. My advice is to be honest and open up a dialogue about the deeper issues at hand.

      x x Love, Alyce

  • Ankur says:

    Hi Alyce,
    I recently broke off from the girl i love , the relationship lasted a few months. I was quite involved with her and her family her mom and her 15 year old son. We had even decided to get married. But one fine day as we were having an argument over the phone her friend was around who insulted me using choicest of words and also said my girl actually doesn’t like me neither her family. I was shocked and hurt so immediately drove over to her place where i got insulted even further they told me to get out of the house. So the next day she called up to apologize saying she wasn’t aware of what happened, which I felt was utter nonsense as the conversation was via her phone. So i was furious and shouted at her back as she discussed our personal matters with her friends and my weaknesses etc. So now since quite few days i stopped calling her and neither she does. But it is painful as I miss her a lot , but the memories of the insult keep haunting me . I don’t know why but I keep waiting for her call which I don’t will ever come or not. But i refrain myself from calling her at all as i don’t want myself to be further insulted. But i feel i still love her & wonder why she did that. 🙁

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Ankur,
      Thanks so much for getting in touch. Well, that does sound like a nasty situation. Remember that we are all human and therefore, we all say and do things in the heat of the moment that we later regret – including to those that we love.
      If you want to be with this person, you will have to “forgive and forget” – you will have to make an effort to rise above the situation and not develop animosity towards her. Resentments build up in relationships, even with those we are closest to. Resentments can fester and poison a relationship and can be the cause of their end. But is that the best thing in this case?
      In mature relationships it’s important to avoid gossip, and to-ing and fro-ing with other people that get involved. Keep others out of your personal business – even (and often especially) family members. Their input can do more harm than good.
      You broke up with this girl – it sounds like you have made the right choice. Don’t let her insults hurt you further. Rise above and forget them. Read my post Why am I being criticized? The answer is: people criticize those they admire – and best of luck.
      Love, Alyce

  • james says:

    When we met, she was supportive, kind, accepting and understanding but now, three years later, she insults me, criticizes my weaknesses and ridicules me daily with anger. It is true that I have flaws, like being passive and procrastinating often from anxiety, but she knew these qualities since we met. I have tried to grow, but there are certain traits that I can’t change. I think she doesn’t really love me for me. It makes me emotionally drained, I feel I can sleep forever in this despair.

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi James,

      Wow, it sounds like you are really hurting. What is the nature of this relationship – are you married or only dating? If you’re married then I think you should commit to this for the long haul. We all have flaws and (as you say) some are hard to budge. You need to open up an honest and sincere dialogue about this and commit to working on change together. If you are only dating, consider if this person is really the right partner for you – sometimes 3 years is long enough to know that we are simply not suited to each other in the long term. If she “doesn’t really love you for you” then you need to find someone who does, flaws and all. That’s not to say you shouldn’t work on your issues. We all have to do this and relationships are a terrific mirror.

      Love, Alyce

  • shubham says:

    I love a girl deeply from my heart but she never reciprocated me back. She knows i love her and she was only talking to help me out so i could cut my attachments. Some times she did reciprocate me bt only to make me feel good. Things went weird i got so much frustated, depressed ,and irritated her by messaging restlessly. she filed a complaint against me to the police. I m totally shocked now . i m suffering from unbearable pain, feeling depressed .i m having my xm in 1 month and i really have no idea what to do next. we have some mutual friends and i m feeling really embarrased thinking if she has told them abt the same.

  • Lynn says:

    Actually they say words are more damaging than physical abuse so to tell people they control their emotions is quite the joke. Words hurt deeply. To say you can turn that hurt off is saying people are robots with no feelings.
    Also, you do not walk away and ignore a partner being verbally abusive. It needs to be adressed so they know they are crossing an acceptable boundary.

  • Riya says:

    Hi , Riya here.
    I m in relationship with a man from 5yrs he is married. From last two months we had a break up .he using abusi g words with me and always insulting me by saying that i m a bitch and his wife is everthing for him.i know he is teasing me. I thought that he be back in my love but he didnt i called up after two months he didnt speak well and abusing me by saying bad words. He said that he dont love me and he doesnt feel anything about me.Ilove him a lot and want my love back. He is unecessarly ditching me.i dnt know what makes hated me a lot. We were lovinv each other a lot but these gap change us. I miss him n love him.pls help me

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Riya,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment and I am sorry that this “guy” of yours is being a jerk. Let me be very clear: you need to leave this relationship. He is married – he is cheating on his wife. As well as this, he is almost certainly still having sex with her – so he is cheating on you as well. He is a jerk. I’m not surprised he’s using “bad words” he is probably very insecure and is trying to keep both of you in your places. RUN don;t WALK away from this guy. Until he leaves his wife – he is off limits to you. And if you don’t? Get ready for more pain. Don;t waste your precious life on this cheating, abusive jerk. Find someone better.

      Lots of love and please be strong.
      x x Alyce

  • Very helpful and Great information,
    we appreciate advise especially coming from a professional.
    Thanks again and keep up the great work!

  • Jo says:

    Hi. I’m going through a awful time with my 3 year relationship with my baby father. He was insulting me somenearly every day but making it like he was just joking. we had a really bad argument the one day when i shouted back if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Since then he jokes less about me but takes pictures of me without me knowing when Im sat relaxed on setee watching tv and my belly is hanging over or you can see my double Chins. he will send a random pic then wait for my reaction. I usually shout what you send me that that going to make me smile. Then i walk away snd cry .I need to no please Is it me and I’m insecure about the way I look or is he trying to upset me and being a bully because he knows it will make me cry. X

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hi Jo-

      Thanks for your comment – yes, I agree that this behavior sounds hurtful and unnecessary. So, to break it down – your partner is taking unflattering photos of you, posting them to you and having a bit of a laugh at your expense? That’s pretty nasty behavior and something that only a child or a teenager would do. How old is he? You mention he is a father himself. Time for him to grow up a bit and stop being such an asshole. You asked my opinion on whether he is trying to upset you. Maybe he is, maybe he just thinks it’s funny. You will never know until you sit him down and have a proper talk with him – like an adult.

      Good luck.
      x x x Alyce

  • Sterling Malory Archer a.k.a. Dutchess says:

    I had a friend, one of my best friends go on a rant about me for an hour. At first it was playful and all, but eventually it just got insulting. He eventually said, “No one want’s anyone who’s inexperienced.” and, “You’re going to die alone.” I’ve always had issues with being close to people the way it is, and he knew I have severe depression and ending up alone was honestly my worst fear ever. What he said just honestly broke me. I’m still friends with him because everyone has always left me in the past, and I just don’t want to make anyone feel like I did, but things aren’t the same. We rarely speak in person and through technology, and our normal weekly hang outs just stopped. One of my siblings told me that boy girl friendships just don’t usually work out, but I thought it was for the random crush that demolished the friendship. I mean I just feel so uncomfortable around him now, when we’re both around people cause we are in the same group of friends, I just have to put on a large show so they can’t tell how much of a mess I am, and I’m honestly not sure what to do anymore. I told him off and all for it and he apologized, but it still doesn’t help how I’m feeling. What should I do?

    • Alyce Vayle says:

      Hiya Duchess,

      Sorry to hear you’re feeling so low. It really sucks when someone we care about tears through us with little or no regard. If this was a one-off, then cut your friend some slack – we all do and say things we regret and I’m sure there’s been a case where you’ve hurt someone with your words as well. However – if this is NOT a one-off and your friend continues to hurt you and disregard your feelings – then cut him loose. I do not believe the old adage that men and women can’t be friends. For you to have such a deep reaction (stop hanging out, feeling uncomfortable, feeling you have to “put on a show” in front of your mutual friends) then it seems to me like there is some much deeper hurt going on here that you need to get in touch with. Do you feel your friend “betrayed” you when you shared your deepest feelings and he insulted you? Or is there something else? Meditate on this – and yes, I suggest if your friend has apologised be the bigger man and rise above – but it’s your decision to make – you know what’s best.

      All the strength,


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *